Reclaiming Your Identity After Abuse

For many survivors of domestic violence, healing doesn’t mean returning to who they were before. It means discovering who they are now — and who they’re becoming. Abuse may strip away layers of confidence, connection, and self-understanding, but the core of who you are is never truly lost. With time, support, and compassion, survivors can grow stronger, deeper, and more grounded than ever before.

Rediscovery, Not Replacement

After leaving an abusive relationship, it’s common to feel unsure of your identity. Many survivors ask, Who am I without them? Without fear? Without the constant need to survive?

This uncertainty is not a sign of weakness — it’s a signal that you’re beginning something new. Psychologists refer to this as post-traumatic growth (PTG) — the idea that people can experience profound positive change following adversity.

“People who endure psychological struggle following adversity can often see positive growth afterward — a new appreciation for life, deeper relationships, increased personal strength, and a greater sense of purpose.”
— Tedeschi & Calhoun, 1996

You are not broken. You are rebuilding.

What Is Post-Traumatic Growth?

Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is a well-documented psychological concept that explores how adversity can lead to personal transformation. While trauma can bring pain and disruption, it can also open the door to:

Renewed strength (“I didn’t know I could survive that — but I did.”)
Spiritual or emotional awakening
A clearer understanding of values
Deeper relationships and empathy
New possibilities and life paths

Unlike toxic positivity, PTG does not dismiss the reality of suffering. Instead, it acknowledges pain and the potential that can emerge alongside it.

📖 For more, read: Tedeschi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.

Rebuilding Your Identity: Gentle Ways to Begin

There’s no rush, no “right” way to reclaim your sense of self. But here are some nurturing, empowering places to start:

1. Revisit What Lit You Up

What brought you joy before the relationship? Art, music, movement, nature, cooking, volunteering? Return to these activities — or try something entirely new. Identity can grow through exploration.

2. Try Identity-Based Affirmations

Affirmations can be powerful for rewiring self-perception:

“I am not who they said I was.”
“My worth is not tied to what I give.”
“I’m allowed to change, grow, and thrive.”

3. Set Boundaries as an Act of Self-Definition

You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to step away. Each boundary you set reaffirms your right to safety and autonomy — core parts of a healthy identity.

4. Connect with Community

Isolation is a hallmark of abuse. Connection is a powerful antidote. Whether it’s through support groups, online spaces, creative communities, or spiritual circles — community helps us remember we’re not alone.

🧠 “Social support plays a crucial role in post-traumatic growth by buffering stress and reinforcing positive identity formation.”
— Zoellner & Maercker, 2006

5. Give Yourself Permission to Evolve

Healing doesn’t mean going back. It means becoming someone even more true.

‘You Are Not Starting From Scratch — You Are Starting From Strength’

The metaphor of a tree is a powerful one: even when the branches are stripped or broken, the roots remain. And from those strong roots, new growth can — and will — emerge.

At Maison Femme, we believe healing is not linear, and identity is not static. Every step you take — from seeking support to simply surviving the day — is part of the journey home to yourself.

Additional Resources

Need support? Reach out to our advocates at Maison Femme
Follow our August Instagram campaign: #DearYoungerMe for daily inspiration and survivor affirmations.
Explore healing tools: Free downloads & resources
Want to understand more about PTG?
- Posttraumatic Growth Research Group – UNC Charlotte
- Calhoun, L.G. & Tedeschi, R.G. (2006). Handbook of Posttraumatic Growth: Research and Practice.

You are more than what happened to you. You are a story still unfolding — and that story holds resilience, beauty, and power. If you’re still searching for yourself after abuse, know this:

You don’t have to go back. You get to go forward.

With roots. With strength. With hope.

Strong Roots, New Growth.